This past month has been a blurry whirlwind of every emotion a person could experience, including some I never knew existed. It’s amazing how grief will push you through feelings from numbness to despair to anger to just wanting to throw the grandest temper tantrum that would put a three year old to shame. The one emotion that really surprised me was the anger. People asked if I was mad at God for the loss of my dad, I’m not. I don’t know why I am so angry. Little things set me off and when it does, look out. I take many walks, talk to myself a lot, talk to God, and talk to my dad. I must look like a crazed weirdo (more-so than I already am), but I find talking to yourself, to God, and to those who have departed does offer a sense of comfort. Granted when I talk to myself it usually ends up in an argument that I lose.
What I have found that has helped me (although I still don’t feel like myself) is my faith. My mom always told me that if the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I believe that, however, there are some things I think we can just skip over. He can take us to the next step and let us know when we get there. I have been given many resources from friends on the subject of grief and how to cope, which I am so very thankful for. I figured, by now, the hurt and empty feelings would’ve subsided, but they haven’t. I have walked through the grief journey before, but never one this intense. I now realize there is no time limit on the grieving process. What I am vowing to do is to, within the next year, is to get more involved in cancer walks/runs. In September I plan on participating in the Susan G. Komen run in Grandville (this being the 20th anniversary of my aunt’s passing from the dreaded disease). I also would like to participate in a Relay for Life event. It would be nice to be a part of something that could help others not to have to feel the grief. For those who are going to take the cancer journey with a loved one in the future that their and their family member’s walk ends in elation and good health and not sadness.